Some reviews of the Shadowland sample

First YWO review.

Hi Bob. I liked your story very much. There are some things that bugged me and made it difficult to read but I gave you fives for Plots and Themes and Ideas. A haunted castle, a chap who's been close to death and all set in a calm English village with the carnage of the first world war across the channel sets the scene beautifully.

Some other things I noted as I read was:

Would they put Jack on the train by himself when he is so ill that he can't get off it on his own? Then in the afternoon he seems to have gotten a lot better as he is now going for a walk. Maybe you want to give him a couple of days of fresh country air and beef tea before sending him off out into the countryside.

The women in this story comes across as sex mad, and unless that is the kind of story you're looking to write, I think it takes something away from the actual story. I'm sure in 1915 there would not be that many tarty maids or Ladies for that matter.

The sentences are in my opinion too short and choppy and thus restricting the flow of the story. Some of the sentences are also unfinished. I expect that this has been done on purpose but please try to edit them so that they make some kind of sense.

(My comments on the following are in caps. I'm not shouting at you or trying to be horrible in any way, it's just that italics don't work.)

<Jacob climbed down from the carriage and helped Mrs Maguire steer Jack to a small, horse-drawn buggy. Has a name, thought Jack, one I know, but it hid in the fog.> WHAT HAS A NAME?

<"Marvellous Janet, marvellous. Arrangements have been made; I take, for his travel?> THERE ARE A LOT OF THESE RATHER CONFUSING SENTENCES AND LOCAL ACCENTS. I THINK WRITING ACCENTS ARE FINE BUT NOT IF THEY MAKE THE READER RE-READ THE SENTENCE SEVERAL TIMES TO GET THE MEANING OF IT.

<If this wasn't his first kiss, then surely it claimed the best second place Jack had ever seen.> THIS IS A CONFUSING SENTENCE. Even if this wasn't Jacob's first kiss it would be etched on his memory forever. A keepsake to bring out when the muddy trenches and the fear that he may never return home threatens to overtake him.

All in all it's got the basis for a good story and I good luck with the editing.

Thank you for letting me read it.

Second YWO review.

I have to say the first read of this chapter was difficult for me. The authentic language threw me off a bit. After reading it a second time it's a true gem. The story/ plot is great! Though I can't imagine what happens next. The pace? Once I slowed down and enjoyed the content I found the pace just right. I loved the dialogue and the inner thoughts going on throughout. The setting was perfectly described. The surpriise ending to the chapter was great too, leaves one wondering if the two will mate later. The two ghosts, one man and one woman entering the castle scene ,"shone not on them but through them, and if one were watching they'd notice, nice! Great work!
 
 

I got a review!

Mary Catherine on Goodreads http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/9295595-mary-catherine gave me 3/5 stars and wrote the following:
I was torn between giving this book a higher rating. The story utterly gripped me at times, but there are too many reasons to negate that.

To start, there are many different dialects and thus many grammatical errors. The errors are carefully researched to reflect the dialect of each character's native upbringing. It isn't clear the errors are purposeful representations of the dialect and, as such, feeds in to my bigger complaint: not enough development.

I read 2/3 of the book and it felt like 1/3. Only at the end of the book did substantial development happen. Many characters present their point of view, most of them artificial components of the game. Artificial intelligence was one of my favorite concepts, it fiddled with the perception of life. I was disappointed that concept wasn't expounded upon. This is also a key complaint: lack of better explanation for unnecessary explanation. There were many great concepts brushed over and most action and dialogue could be condensed.

Though the book is written as excerpts from multiple points of views, it becomes quickly obvious the reader is to focus on only two. We get to know them slowly and, again, their growth is packed in to the last third of the book. There were too many characters for growth and reflection. Some characters felt abandoned.

The premise itself is incredibly interesting, though. I can't think of any similar stories. It draws inspiration from all kinds of fairy tales, but also everything from science fiction, to wizardry, to Aikido as well. There were descriptions as unique as the story. A particular one that stuck with me was about comparing deaths of parents:
"It’s like a tooth coming out. There’s a hole that hurts when you put your tongue into it, but you keep putting your tongue into it. You don’t really want to, but you can’t stop it. You always want to compare."
I cant think of anything similar to that simile. Incredibly unique and profound.

I don't want to go in to much detail about the story, because there is a great ending that I didn't see coming. That is something to marvel, an author who can write a twist without the reader expecting the curve.

This book has a lot of those bursts of profundity, because the premise itself is profound. Of the premise is artificial intelligence and of that we come to know the AI, or the self-aware, godlike, omnipresent and omnipotent quantum computer. It comes to be another focal character discovering itself and others. It introduces prevalent motifs like benevolence, punishment, purpose, survival, and evolution. The reader gets to experience the simultaneous birth of a mind and the creation of a God.

So overall, the writing could stand to be hit with a mallet by an editor, but the premise is so unique that it has the potential to be a very intriguing and resonating fantasy series.

Iron Sky Reviews

This is a review of Iron Sky. It's done by Starburst, a website I hadn't heard of before. This is where imdb have their reviews (there are 56 of them, so I haven't read them all). This is what the Guardian said (didn't like it if you can't be bothered to read).This is where you can find Rotten Tomatoes views (I like the audience reviews best). If you've got any more good ones, please comment and give them to me. I'd still love to see this film.