Two reviews

Shadowlands Reviewd by J. McGuire

I enjoyed this very much. I am not a regular reader of science fiction, in fact it is more than twenty years since I read any, but I found this absolutely intriguing.

Of course the fact that it is extremely well written helps enormously. You have a wonderful way with words. Phrases like: '..trees swayed like graceful women...; 'That grin ...is one the devil'd buy at auction'; 'She'd slapped the word down like a fish full of lead weights' and in particular '..he knew the tick each would have' I love them all. Minor point: I'm not quite so sure about 'Sweet, summer sweat' Is sweat ever sweet?

The hero, Jack, is fascinating. Though obviously not at his physical best he is nevertheless attractive, possibly magnetically so, to women. This intrigues. There are intimations of sexuality to come which adds to the already potent mix. I want to read more.

Shadowland

I absolutely loved this work. You write incredibly well, from the minute I started I was hooked in. The pace of the story is rather slow, although broken up by some different-and mysterious-points of view, however I was so in love with the characterisation and the description that I didn't care. What I like best about this is the wit and humour you write with. The ghostlike figures pop up enough to keep the reader wanting to know what happens next and I would love to read more about Mrs Maguire-by far my favourite character :-)
Thats not to say it was perfect, some of the description is a little overloaded with metaphors and adverbs and would benefit from you choosing the best and cutting the rest, however it wasn't enough to stop me reading. Best of luck, I hope this does really well.

Some reviews of the Shadowland sample

First YWO review.

Hi Bob. I liked your story very much. There are some things that bugged me and made it difficult to read but I gave you fives for Plots and Themes and Ideas. A haunted castle, a chap who's been close to death and all set in a calm English village with the carnage of the first world war across the channel sets the scene beautifully.

Some other things I noted as I read was:

Would they put Jack on the train by himself when he is so ill that he can't get off it on his own? Then in the afternoon he seems to have gotten a lot better as he is now going for a walk. Maybe you want to give him a couple of days of fresh country air and beef tea before sending him off out into the countryside.

The women in this story comes across as sex mad, and unless that is the kind of story you're looking to write, I think it takes something away from the actual story. I'm sure in 1915 there would not be that many tarty maids or Ladies for that matter.

The sentences are in my opinion too short and choppy and thus restricting the flow of the story. Some of the sentences are also unfinished. I expect that this has been done on purpose but please try to edit them so that they make some kind of sense.

(My comments on the following are in caps. I'm not shouting at you or trying to be horrible in any way, it's just that italics don't work.)

<Jacob climbed down from the carriage and helped Mrs Maguire steer Jack to a small, horse-drawn buggy. Has a name, thought Jack, one I know, but it hid in the fog.> WHAT HAS A NAME?

<"Marvellous Janet, marvellous. Arrangements have been made; I take, for his travel?> THERE ARE A LOT OF THESE RATHER CONFUSING SENTENCES AND LOCAL ACCENTS. I THINK WRITING ACCENTS ARE FINE BUT NOT IF THEY MAKE THE READER RE-READ THE SENTENCE SEVERAL TIMES TO GET THE MEANING OF IT.

<If this wasn't his first kiss, then surely it claimed the best second place Jack had ever seen.> THIS IS A CONFUSING SENTENCE. Even if this wasn't Jacob's first kiss it would be etched on his memory forever. A keepsake to bring out when the muddy trenches and the fear that he may never return home threatens to overtake him.

All in all it's got the basis for a good story and I good luck with the editing.

Thank you for letting me read it.

Second YWO review.

I have to say the first read of this chapter was difficult for me. The authentic language threw me off a bit. After reading it a second time it's a true gem. The story/ plot is great! Though I can't imagine what happens next. The pace? Once I slowed down and enjoyed the content I found the pace just right. I loved the dialogue and the inner thoughts going on throughout. The setting was perfectly described. The surpriise ending to the chapter was great too, leaves one wondering if the two will mate later. The two ghosts, one man and one woman entering the castle scene ,"shone not on them but through them, and if one were watching they'd notice, nice! Great work!